Monday, 23 January 2012
BipolarChatroom Blog 3
I was a regular in my local pub for about 12 years; I knew my limits, being aware of the medication I was taking and most of the time I kept to them. Really you shouldn't drink on the medication I was taking, but a couple of pints in the evening let me chill out after a long day at work and that's all it started off to be. (I might have had more at the weekends but there was no work the next day. I had been told a couple of pints or a few small glasses of wine was fine and surely a few more at weekends wouldn't do any harm?)
When I lost my job, well that was a different story. My job was my 'crutch' and 'confidence' in my life and I had had that all taken away from me right from under my feet. I felt lost.
My Doctor was right; I did get worse: the anxiety, the not being able to sleep properly, the worrying and the bitterness at losing my job over an illness I had no control over. This is when the drinking got 'worse'.
I was drinking to the extent that my family were all concerned for my well-being. But I couldn't see it. All I could think about was where the next drink was coming from. I would stagger in from the pub and even blame my medication for the slurring. Sometimes the medication did cause these symptoms but this was my excuse most of the time and I was sticking to it.
This is when the Vodka drinking got excessive; I would go down the shop and buy half a bottle of Vodka and even sometimes drink it on the way back home. If i didn't do that, I would hide it to drink at a later date. I needed help and quick.
It was March 2009, I was in a state. I come from a caring and very loving family and they had got an Alcoholic group to call me. I was in denial and said I could do it alone. A few more trips to the pub occurred and on one day I was really bad it was AA or going at it alone with the support of my family. I didn't opt for the AA. This was a personal choice. I had been to so many meetings/courses on anxiety/depression which I found to be a waste of time. To be honest I was scared.
I can honestly say I did it alone with the help of my family. No more sneaking around, no more pretending to go down the shops for some cigarettes and getting Vodka. That was it.
I can honestly say from that day on, as far as the drink was concerned I was a changed man. I didn't crave it, the thought of alcohol from then on made me feel sick. I actually classed myself as an alcoholic until I was speaking to a friend the other day and said it has been nearly three years. She said "I don't think you were an alcoholic Deano, I think you 'turned' to the drink as a substitute for something lacking in your life. If you were an alcoholic, you would still crave a drink to this day". Whether I am or aren't I suppose is by-the-by now because it is no longer a factor of my life!!
I was in a very 'dark place' then and have been to hell and back with it. I am cured as far as the drinking is concerned but as far as the Bipolar is concerned, well, life isn't that straightforward!!
Drinking can and does prevent your medication from working properly!! And what is drinking? A DEPRESSANT. So drinking and Depression/Bipolar doesn't really mix. At first you might get a 'high' from having a 'session', but believe me that high can turn into a 'low'in a flash.
Also, it can prevent your medications from working properly and can potentially be dangerous the more medications you take.
Since I have lost my job, I can honestly say that the 'highs' have been very few and far between. Although last weekend I was on very much on a 'high', but I don't know if you find this, when you have been on a high during the day, you can feel yourself gradually getting lower and 'coming down to land' so to speak, which then brings on a low as you feel so exhausted
When I was drinking I wasn't on as many tablets as I am today. They say "It can take years to get the right balance of medication for each individual because the brain is a funny thing and not enough is known about the brain yet!!".
My main problems now is the anxiety which I have had for years, I'm on beta-blockers to help combat that as it can slow the heart beat down and help with anxiety, as well as the diazepam, which is being reduced, not because I'm feeling better, because I'm not, but have been told it's such an addictive drug it needs to be lowered. I'm also on mood stabilisers as well as anti-psychotic tablets to name a few. My tablet box is like a 'who's who' of tablets!!
I'm proud of myself for giving up the 'demon' and proud that I am able to share it with people and be honest. If you are in the situation I was in please see your Doctor if you want to give up drinking, or are drinking excessively as I was lucky giving up with my own willpower and help and support of my caring family and friends. Your Doctor may say reduce it and don't stop it immediately as that can sometimes do harm if your body is so dependant on it. IT'S IMPORTANT!!
Look at poor Amy Winehouse who died at the young age of 27 last year. She was a troubled soul and needed help and the first thing is 'admitting' you need help and that you've got a problem. I was very sad when she died because I understood the 'dependency' of something, but those people who said "She brought it on herself" did make me cross! Some people just don't understand addictions and mental health; they think you can switch them on and off like a switch.
I've got a long way to go with my Bipolar yet. I was in a better place for a few months last year and was going out of the house and going to meetings regarding my illness, but now I don't go out of the house much. I really don't know what it is. I think it's me feeling 'safe' at home and sometimes that 'big wide world' scares me. It could be that some of my meds have been reduced as the side effects can be worse than the symptoms they are trying to get rid of. Who knows? If I wake up in the morning feeling depressed I want to hide myself away under the duvet and fall asleep so I'm not in that nervous/depressed frame of mind. Some of my good friends I haven't seen for years. I always apologise to them this fact and say it's nothing personal. Those who know me and understand me know where I am coming from. And those who don't, well they're not friends.
I recently started up this site and have had such positive feedback from alot of you followers. That is a confidence boost. I'm hoping that it will give me more and more confidence doing it and sharing experiences with others.
I want to end with a few quotes, the first quote sums up how I can actually feel alot of the time and is so poignant. It is from the song "Now That You're Gone", written by my favourite singer Carol Decker from T'Pau, from the album "Red". : "If I seem OK it's just a masquerade, the face I let you see hides the emptiness in me". Here are the full lyrics. There are quite a few words so appropriate. :-
Let me tell you the story of my life
About the fall from paradise that ended all my dreaming
And I tried and tried, but I could not put it right
So like a child on Christmas night, I just stopped believing
Now that you're gone, where do I run
Who do I give this love to
You, you threw it away
Everyday I have to live without you
Crowded room, I'm standing all alone
And though the faces come and go
Nobody seems to notice
A tearful tune is on the radio
Here to let me know
My heart is overloaded
Now that you're gone
Where do I run
Who do I give this love to
You, you threw it away
Everyday I have to live without you
If I seem ok, it's just a masquerade
The face I let you see hides the emptiness in me
Now that you're gone
Where do I run
Who do I give this love to
You, you threw it away
Everyday I have to live without you
Now that you're gone
Where do I run
Who do I give this love to
You, you threw it away
Everyday I have to live without you
I get alot of satisfaction from my music and don't know what I would do without it. I'm always picking out particular lyrics from certain songs and think "That could have been written for me". I love Robbie Williams' music and love his songs. I know he has had his 'demons' and suffered with depression and alot of his songs, especially the ballads mean alot to me. "Feel" to mention one. "There's a hole in my soul, you can see it in my face it's a real big place".
The next quote basically sums up peoples attitudes towards Mental Health. Sometimes they choose to see it, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they don't allow themselves to see it as they don't know, even in the 2!st century, how to behave to the person who has got it.
"Do I mention it? Do I ignore it? Will that person go into one if I bring it up?". All the person who has got depression wants to hear is that the people close to them understand and can talk freely about it.
I don't know if you have seen that advert about the man who has been off work with Depression, and one of his colleagues is debating whether or not to go up to that person and ask them how they are and if they are feeling better, as they don't know what kind of reaction they will get, well the above applies to this advert. All that man wants is for people to talk to him, ask him how he is and not make him feel like he has 'two heads' or something. He eventually goes up to him and asks him how he is. He replies with "Not too bad thanks. Good days and bad days". I don't know about you, but that is the answer I give alot of people because it is a true and honest answer from my perspective.
"A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes while everyone else believes the smile on your face.
Well that's the end of my third blog my friends.
Take care and please feel free to leave a comment at the end of the blog. You can always Tweet/DM me or even e-mail me at deanhollett@aol.com.
Deano Hollett 21st January 2011.
Your story is definitely an important story for those with bipolar to hear because so many of us rely on other substances to self medicate because we think we know better than the docs. Thank you for writing this. And if you want information on the other sites, you can email me at christi@askabipolar.com. We also look for people to write guest posts for the site and if you are interested, I can meet with my partner (and founder) and see if we can set something up! (You can see I am legit by going to www.askabipolar.com and my bio is there, also if you go to www.internationalbipolarfoundation.org and type "christi" in the search box, you will find all of my blogs)
Again, this is an important message and story for so many because it is such a prevalent issue with those who have bipolar disorder so THANK YOU for writing this. It takes a lot of courage to admit this to themselves, let alone the public, so thank you!
~christi~