At first I didn't know what was wrong with me; one day I would feel so happy as though all my Christmases had come at once and another day I would feel so 'flat' as though I had no energy.
I was first put on anti-depressants in 1995 at the age of 22. I had a 'sort of' break down at work. At the time I thought it was the pressures of work as I was working for the Department for Work and Pensions and obviously the job had its pressures. I had been out of 'training' for 3 years then but I felt that my knowledge of the job was disappearing? How could this be? I did very well at school and achieved good GCSE results and then went onto College to obtain a BTEC National Diploma in Business and Finance. I suddenly didn't feel in control of my life.
After this spell of sickness in 1995 and being signed off work for 2 weeks I returned and felt everything had been 'mended', well at the time I did. I was on this new 'miracle' drug 'prozac' which seemed to be doing the trick, or was it?
I was seeing life through 'rose tinted' glasses. It seemed to get rid of every emotion possible. I couldn't cry and to be quite honest in one respect I felt somewhat a 'zombie'. There was one emotion it did not rid me of and that was 'hyperactiveness', having a lot more 'high' days than I was used to.
I was kept on Prozac for a few years and was the person at work, out with friends and at home who would be the 'jester' so to speak, making people laugh all the time. However, it got to the stage that I would be on such a 'high' I would exhaust myself out and gradually feel like I was calming down, bringing myself down to a 'low' frame of mind; feeling 'depressed' once more.
This is when my sick leave increased. What was wrong with me? I didn't feel in control of my emotions and my whole body. My highs were getting higher and my lows were getting lower. I did feel better with the highs because at least I wasn't 'depressed' and 'down' so to speak, but I did feel like my brain was going twenty-to-the-dozen.
This was when my place of work sent me for an Occupational Health examination. They had to write to my Doctor first for his opinion and the reply was 'possible Bi-Polar'. My Doctor then referred me to a Psychiatrist where it was confirmed.
All those years now being advised I was on the 'wrong' medication!! I was thinking 'great, thanks alot' I could have lost my job over this, a wrong diagnosis.
So it wasn't purely Depression, it was Bi-Polar Affective Disorder/Manic Depression. What was this? Help!!
I personally had never heard of this illness before. It was either 2000/2001 I was properly diagnosed with Bi-Polar. It was then explained to me that it was all about 'mood swings' 'highs' and 'lows'. I had certainly had my fair share of them!! It was mood stabilisers I needed, not Prozac. So there is me thinking "that's nice, I have been on the wrong medication for 6-7 years!!".
Before I was diagnosed and I went out with friends' drinking, for some reason I would start off being the 'laugh-out-loud Deano' and the more I had to drink I would feel so depressed, on a lot of occasions, start crying. My best mate at the time had no time for me when this happened and said I was doing it for attention. Ok, I suppose my character has signs of seeking attention, but this was only when I was on a high. I thrived on it. Trying to make people laugh, crack jokes etc.. But I certainly never thrived for attention when I was on a low, I don't think I had the energy in me to do so.
What it boiled down to was the attitude "here we go again" He had to eat humble pie when I told him the next day my diagnosis.
Anyway, I thought to myself "I've got a diagnosis, they can give me the right tablets now and 'mend' me". How wrong was I!
I was put on a mood-stabiliser, come to think of it I think I've been on about 3 types. Each time my medication was changed, I thought "this must be the one". How wrong was I!!
Then the 'anxiety' reared it's ugly head which turned out to be the main reason I would take time off work. I would wake up with this 'fear', breathing too fast and the anxiety, well I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. Beta-blockers were given to me to slow my heartbeat down and try and combat the anxiety. I would say that didn't help much. Then I was put on the diazepam. This helped much more, but if I woke up on a work day with an anxiety attack, it wasn't just a case of taking that 'magic' tablet and everything was going to be alright. I 'couldn't' face the world on alot of those days and literally wanted to hide under my duvet and fall asleep and not face it.
I was having more and more days off sick over the years, but I thought to myself "I'm on the right medication now, surely? They know what it is so why can't they treat it?". Then I was told "the brain is a funny thing and it can take years to get the right balance of medication!!". How right were they!!
I would be sent to weekly meetings by my Psychiatrist and the aim was learning techniques to combat the anxiety. I'm sorry, but painting pictures I was never good at, I was not a good painter anyway and I found it completely a waste of time.
My employers were getting more and more concerned about my sickness, not for my benefit i ascent to say either. I was working on Incapacity Benefits' for god's sake, have they not got any sympathy, what with the customers we were dealing with? Unfortunately not. Alot of my colleagues were good I must point out.
My last spell of sickness was about four months up to the end of February 2007. My head was all over the place. I had recently got a new Doctor who was great and I thought "we are going to combat this!!" I went back to work end of February 2007 feeling the best I had felt in years. My tablets were finally working!! I was put on the telephone section which I loved and my sick leave dropped dramatically. I had about 2 or 3 days off sick in 2 months up to the end of April.
We were due to move offices at the beginning of May 2007 and two weeks before that I was called into my top boss's office about my sick leave. He first of all asked me what Bi-Polar was. "Erm, shouldn't you have done your homework? Very unprofessional!!" I explained. He said to me "Why have you had 2-3 days off sick in the 2 months since you have been back?" I explained I am feeling much better but they were down to anxiety/panic attacks and that if you look at my record you will see my sick leave is the best it has been in years.
I felt very negative after that interview. Even though only 1 person had been dismissed in the 14 years I had worked there on sick leave. I even broke down on the way back to my office of work.
It was the day before we were all due to leave to go to our brand new section at our new office and I couldn't shake off this 'negativeness'. i was boxing up all of my belongings ready for the move and my previous Supervisor said I was needed upstairs. I went with him and went into a room with his boss. I was handed a brown envelope and could just tell by the look on their faces it wasn't good news. I had been dismissed.
I had 13 weeks lieu of notice which I had the option of working or not. Obviously I chose to leave that day. How could I work those 13 weeks? Deep down I was so looking forward to moving to the new office. My meds' were as good as they had ever been and now I've been sacked. You can imagine how bitter I was.
I had to transfer all of my belongings from the box to a sack ready to take home. I was sobbing in front of 3 sections and a lot of people and were there looking over and comforting me. But the one thing I wanted they couldn't give me, my job back.
I appealed twice, once in London and lost both. I thought I had a strong case. My Dr did a letter stating my condition would deteriorate if they kept with the decision. And she was right. And one thing I will say which disgusted me was every time my union rep. spoke, my top boss kept tutting!!
I went from working for Incapacity Benefits, to actually claiming them. My condition did get worse, the anxiety attacks got worse and 5 years this April I have been on benefits. I am being weaned off of my diazeapam to a lower dose as they are so addictive, but there's my story.
I hope it helps some of you out there as if you have felt or had the emotions like I did, you are not alone. I don't want Mental Health to be a taboo subject any more. We must talk about it. Although you still get the people who have the attitude "well they don't have a broken leg and I can't see anything wrong with them, so they must be fine!!" There are more people that think that than you realise.
