Some of what I am about to say is still quite 'raw' to me, but I feel I need to discuss my 'experiences', warts and all, to try and answer the above question. So I am being as honest as I possibly can be.
I really couldn't tell you when 'it' started. I keep racking my brain but still come up with the same answer. "I don't know". That might sound a bit strange to some people who are thinking "Surely he must know, it was happening to him!". But the truth of the matter is, I don't know!
It wasn't like remembering where you were when Princess Diana tragically died, or your wedding day, or even a memorable Birthday. I think it gradually and subtley 'manifested' over a period of time until one day I was someone different.
I think because it was so subtle, the changes in me weren't apparent all at once.
I had a breakdown in my second job when I was nineteen. At the time I didn't see it as a breakdown. I had been to the dentist for a filling to be repaired and went back to work. For the next, I would say, six months, I had toothache after toothache, going from one tooth to another, and it wouldn't go away. What was causing it? Each time I went back to the dentist he would say your teeth are fine. I couldn't concentrate on my job. One day I just burst into tears in my managers office and was taken home. What had happened to me? Eventually the tooth problems went away, but looking back in retrospect I had 'paranoia', 'neurosis' and no 'self-confidence', all common symptoms of bipolar disorder. Was this the onset of bipolar? I didn't go to the Dr's at the time as I didn't feel I needed to. I think I should have now. I think the tooth-aches were psychosomatic.
Eventually, I was 'the old me' again, and I thought no more of it.
When I started my third job in 1993, just after my 21st birthday, I was fine at first, but after a month or so, my confidence started to start grinding to a halt. I did have a big responsibility. I was in the accounts department, and when my colleague, who did the wages for the sub-contractors was on leave, it was my responsibility to calculate the wages. Now, I'm not blowing my own trumpet, but I am quite an intellectual person. But, each time I did the wages, which was quite complicated as you had to take off retention, I wasn't confident with myself and found I was double-checking my work, which led to a backlog on my purchase-ledger work. This was more than just being conscientious, this was lacking in confidence and being paranoid I had got it wrong. My other work was building up. I felt the pressure building and building in my head. Was this the onset of my bipolar?
My 4th job I began in late 1993 at the Department of Work and Pensions, and because I wasn't the fastest person out of four of us to 'pick up' the benefit structure (training was 13 weeks), one of my colleagues said "you won't last!". That only added to my lack in confidence. What a cruel thing to say. Another person used to say "Finished!", like we were doing a quiz or something, which put more pressure on me. Anyway, I succeeded in my training and went onto a section. We were all given mentors and I was getting on fine.
April 1995 came and a new benefit was introduced. I found my work pile getting bigger and bigger, but I was taking the worry of it home with me, not sleeping, dreading going into work because my confidence was absolute zilch then. One day I went into work and just burst into tears with my head resting on my arms. I couldn't cope. I felt like my head was going to explode. It was then I went to the Dr's and I was put on this 'wonder drug' prozac, and signed off for two weeks with depression. Looking back in retrospect, yet again, was this the onset of my bipolar?
I went back to work two weeks later and somebody had covered my work so I didn't have a backlog to go back to. I was feeling much better, the only thing I will say is that part of my 'emotions' were taken away from me by taking 'prozac'. I couldn't cry. I was seeing life through rose-tinted glasses, which I didn't like, as I sort of felt numb to everything.
I have always been a paranoid and self-conscience person due to the fact I was bullied and beaten up all through primary and secondary school. Even at college I suffered verbal abuse which consisted of 'name calling'. I even had a few people say things to me during my working life. It really does add to the confidence, NOT!! It didn't even stop there, 'all' through my life I have been picked on and bullied. In 1996 I was walking home from my local pub and a gang of youths, who were hiding in some trees by the church, decided to follow me home and one individual decided to 'attack' me.
I went to hospital with a head injury, but nothing too serious, luckily. I remember the next day 'vividly', just lying on the patio feeling 'numb'. The first person I told that day was one of my best friends at the time, sadly he is no longer with us, god rest his soul.
Another instance was when i was in the pub with my friends and these two men came up to us, who used to call me names and taunt me. I did find this rather odd, but went with the flow. Later on that night, when we were leaving the pub, my phone wasn't on the table. I thought my friends had it. But I eventually realised they clearly didn't. I decided to ring it, and the man we were with answered the phone. He told me where he was and that he had a knife and was I going to collect my phone from him?
He had been ringing all my contacts pretending to be me, saying I was in some kind of danger. I knew who he was and called the police. They arrested him, and he spent the night in a police cell.
That was in the March. I bought a new phone and heard no more from them. They didn't even go into the pub after that.
One day in May/June of that year, 2000, I had just visited my very sick Grandad, and was waiting for a bus home, when this car pulled up, a man got out grabbed me by the scruff of the neck, pushed me against the bus stop and threatened to kill me. he said "I spent a night in a police cell because of you". After that he drove off. When I got off the bus, my friend took me to the police station, and because 'nothing' had actually happened, (I beg to disagree) they couldn't do anything!! If they were called because I had a knife stuck in me then they could do something!!
I went back to work only a few days later and they said I should take longer off. So I booked myself a holiday and visited one of my best friends in St. Albans to get away. That did me good.
I only lived up the road from my local, but for the next ten years or so I was always looking over my back, checking nobody was following me, or I would ask a friend for a lift home.
One day, when I was walking down the town in Broadstairs in my lunch hour, this man, a bit younger than me, was following me and kept staring at me. I kept thinking "Who are you?". It dawned on me when I saw him closer, it was the man who had attacked me. Thinking about that to this day gives me the creeps.
It all went to court. Luckily I didn't have to attend, the police was acting on my behalf. He got fined, i think, £100-00!! And I think I received £2-50 a fortnight. I might be wrong, but I'm not far off, and it was a long time ago.
I now ask myself if bullying in your life can 'bring on' bipolar? This is the answer I found.
- Hitting or punching another child.
- Kicking them or tripping them up.
- Taking or spoiling their things.
- Calling them names.
- Teasing them.
- Giving them nasty looks.
- Threatening them.
- Making racist remarks about them.
- Spreading nasty stories or rumours about them.
- Not letting them join in or play games.
- Not talking to them by sending them to coventry.
- Sending repeated false or obscene messages on the phone or internet/social networking sites.
I have certainly had my fair share of the above, and it also goes into the symptoms of being on the receiving end of the above, which all can be symptoms of bipolar :-
- Feeling sad and lonely.
- Lacking confidence and feeling bad about themselves.
- Becoming depressed.
- Complaining of various physical symptoms including headaches and stomach aches.
- Worrying and trying to avoid going to school.
These problems can carry on a lot longer after the bullying has stopped. So was I bipolar at school? All of the symptoms weren't there then, but could its onset have begun as early as then?
I have experienced all of the above symptoms at some stage during my life, apart from the 'trying to avoid going to school'. I guess I got so used to being picked on, it was the 'norm' as far as I was concerned. Now reading what I have just written makes me feel really sad as nobody should go through bullying of any kind, and to 'expect' it and treat it as the 'norm' is even more sad. Nobody should feel worthless and second best to anybody else.
I was very studious at school and the bullying didn't affect my work. I left school with very good grades. But, was I affected 'emotionally'? Did this cause my bipolar?
I can honestly say that I have never 'enjoyed' life to it's full potential. :-
- I'm always worrying about something. If I have nothing to worry about, I 'try' to find something to worry about.
- I have a type of OCD where I am always checking and double checking things, for example my finances, and I can be comfortable in bed and all of a sudden I have to get out, put the light on and check something that is on my mind. Is my bank card in my wallett? Where are my keys?
- I suffer from paranoia, expecting people to say things to me; laugh or call me names. I'm not surprised with the history of bullying I have had.
- I repeat myself a lot, not being convinced that someone has heard what I have said, having to say it again and again.
How can I enjoy myself when I have all the above. My mum, who loves life, says to me "If only I could give you some of my happiness". It makes her sad.
The above findings are by no means 100% fact, but it's an interesting finding. It mentions physical abuse, well I have been beaten up, even attacked in my life, maybe 'verbal' abuse can constitute for bringing on the onset of bipolar too? The trouble is bipolar is all about chemicals in the brain, and I've been told there is not enough known about the brain yet as it is such a complex organ. Which of the two is correct, I'm afraid is anyone's guess.
Anyway, going back to the work part of my life, I remember when, where how or why, but I seemed to gain back my confidence. This wasn't immediate, it didn't just 'happen'. I was supervising sections, going to meetings and relaying them back to the section. I was still on prozac. In fact, I have been on anti-depressants since 1995 which is 17 years. I think the prozac was 'covering up the cracks'.
It wasn't just my confidence that seemed to return, I was actually finding myself in a 'good mood' more and more. No more 'taking work home with me' & worrying. No more 'sleepless nights'.
I actually felt good about myself and would enjoy going into work.
It got to the stage where my moods were so good, I was beginning to feel a bit hyperactive; even cracking jokes to the section, a lot of the time trying to make them laugh. I loved to be the centre of attention all of a sudden! Where did that come from? The person who had no confidence because he had always been knocked down, mocked and poked fun at.
Was it the prozac? Was this what taking it had turned me into? Was this the onset of my bipolar? At the time I thought nothing of it. Well you wouldn't would you; being in a good mood? I could handle these 'jolly' or even 'high' moments.
These 'high' moments seemed to get 'higher'. It was as though I didn't feel in control of myself. My brain was going twenty-to-the-dozen. I was spending money like it was going out of fashion. I remember spending £250-00 in Debenhams once on aftershaves! What 'normal' person does that, or even needs to do that. That is a classic sign of bipolar-excessive spending.
My 'highs' made me feel like I was on a thousand mph train, but being on a high didn't mean I would take any time off sick, because I didn't think I was sick, to be honest, I didn't know what it was.
It was when my highs would get to the extent that they would wear me out and gradually bring me back down to earth, exhausting me in the process. This is when the depressive episodes started. A high would, most of the time, bring on a low episode. They say 'highs' in bipolar cause extreme spending, well I would spend a lot when I was on a 'low' to try and 'cheer me up'.
The 'highs' lasted quite a long time before the 'lows' were 'introduced' to me, so to speak. It wasn't a case of a few months of the highs, and then the lows appeared, it was a lot longer than that. I honestly couldn't tell you what the time span was now, as a lot of it is a blur and it was quite some time ago now.
They used to call me 'Rain Man' at work because of my memory from 'years' ago, and I'm talking remembering my school register from when I was about 8, or remembering release dates & chart positions of my favourite band T'pau in the 1980's. They do say people with bipolar are quite intelligent. You only have to look at people like Stephen Fry. Take a look at the video below of famous people with bipolar. The trouble is I can remember things as far ago as when I was at primary school, or during the 80's, but have difficulty remembering later things in my life.
The 'highs' lasted quite a long time before the 'lows' were 'introduced' to me, so to speak. It wasn't a case of a few months of the highs, and then the lows appeared, it was a lot longer than that. I honestly couldn't tell you what the time span was now, as a lot of it is a blur and it was quite some time ago now.
They used to call me 'Rain Man' at work because of my memory from 'years' ago, and I'm talking remembering my school register from when I was about 8, or remembering release dates & chart positions of my favourite band T'pau in the 1980's. They do say people with bipolar are quite intelligent. You only have to look at people like Stephen Fry. Take a look at the video below of famous people with bipolar. The trouble is I can remember things as far ago as when I was at primary school, or during the 80's, but have difficulty remembering later things in my life.
Anyway, the 'lows' got to the stage where I was having time off with depression. At the time I was still experiencing the 'highs', but they, to me, didn't warrant sick leave, even though I didn't feel 'in control', I thought I could handle it.
This was the odd days here and there off sick at first, but then it became the odd 'week' here and there. By the time 2000/2001 arrived I was due for an occupational health referral, because of the days I had had off sick. I felt like I was stuck 'in the middle', I didn't know what was wrong with me. Before I went for this referral, my work were awaiting a form to be completed by my Dr. one day I called the Dr's and they confirmed the form had been filled out. If I was to fax over consent to them, they will fax the form direct to me to give to Human Resources section.
The fax came through and all my Dr had written is possibly bipolar. That meant nothing to me. I had never heard of it. And I worked on Incapacity Benefits. So I looked it up. and saw manic depression. Apparently, bipolar affective disorder was the 'new' posh word for manic depression. It all made sense to me now-the 'highs' and 'lows'.
My Dr arranged a visit to see the psychiatrist, whom I have been under ever since. (Not the same one I hasten to add-many, so there has been no continuity!) It was then I got the proper diagnosis.
I was officially bipolar. I didn't need to go for an occupational health referral after that.
It turned out that the 'wonder drug' prozac was completely the wrong drug for me being bipolar, which looking back in retrospect, makes me wonder if taking it exacerbated my symptoms, or didn't control them as I wasn't obviously on a mood stabiliser or the right medications.
I was then started on a course of 'mood stablisers' Eventually, my 'highs' got less and less, over a period of time, and my 'lows' would creep up on me like having the 'devil on my shoulder'.
This is when the dreaded 'panic attacks' started to rear their ugly heads.
My medication was changed a few times, as each one didn't appear to be doing the trick, and the medications I was on increased more and more. I think you'd be shocked if I told you how many meds I am on now!! But my psychiatrist is gradually reducing them at the moment. I see him every 3-5 months, but can honestly say I get more help from my doctor who always 'has the time' for me. I don't feel I have got anywhere with my psychiatrists in the 12 years I have been going to see them.
The panic attacks were getting so bad that I just couldn't face the world some days. I just wanted to 'hide' under my duvet, and fall asleep again, just so that I wasn't 'experiencing' that 'feeling' of nervousness. If I couldn't get out of bed, I certainly couldn't go to work.
Anyway, the rest is history and has been covered in previous blogs, I was dismissed from my job of fourteen years in 2007. I did appeal twice, but lost. Ho hum!!
When I would go out with my friends and have social drinks, some of the time I would burst into tears. No rhyme or reason as to why. My 'so-called' best friend would say I was doing it for attention. We all know alcohol is a depressant and doesn't mix with bipolar or the medication. This was before I was diagnosed, or even knew about alcohol being a depressant. He even said to me once after I had come out of the toilets after a coughing fit (my eyes were watering) "Have you been crying for attention again?" Even two days before I was diagnosed, I got upset for no reason, he had a go at me!. I wonder why I haven't seen him for two and a half years!!
The last theory I wanted to cover is "Does being born prematurely have any correlation on bipolar later on in life?
Link Between Premature Babies and Mental Illness
Children born pre-term have been found to experience over twice the rate of mental illness as compared to full-term, normal weight-for-age babies.
In a recent study at the University of Karolinska in Sweden, researchers noted in a long term study conducted over three decades that 5.5% of premature babies required admission to hospital for psychiatric related disorders compared to 2.9% of full-term babies.
The study involved premature babies born in the period 1973 to 1979 and followed their psychiatric health in the intervening decades using medical records. In order to adjust for pre-existing precursors of mental illness, statistical adjustments were made for mental illness predictors such as family history of mental illness and low socio-economic status.
The study has highlighted a casual link between the occurrence of premature births and various forms of mental illness. This knowledge has profound importance on the way mothers of premature babies and the premature babies themselves should be cared for, both during the immediate post birth period and through medical follow ups as the child reached its typical maturation landmarks.
The study, which involved over 500,000 infants indicated that babies born very early, between 24 and 28 weeks, were more than twice as likely to be admitted to hospital for psychiatric reasons by the time they had reached their 20s, as compared to their full-term peers.
It is hope that this conclusive knowledge will assisting in containing the trend among preterm infants, and assist in helping them to avoid possible mental health problems through early intervention ptograms.
source : Low birth weight linked to psychological distress in adulthood,
Science Daily. http://sciencedaily.com
I was 6 weeks premature and was in an incubator for 5 weeks, going down to 3lbs in weight! I've always wondered if that had a bearing on my health issues in my life. I was told I was lucky to survive as the worst was predicted.
So let's conclude :
- I was premature which research has shown can lead to mental health issues later on in life.
- I was bullied at school, college and throughout my life; physically and verbally.
- I had various breakdowns at a few of my places of work.
- I have gone from being that 'happy, chirpy' Deano, to somebody with no 'spark' a lot of the time. A friend said to me recently "That Deano we all remember who used to have a laugh and us in stitches is in there somewhere waiting to break free!". But that Deano, was it actually me or the manifestation of my bipolar?"
- Did being attacked in 1996 bring on my bipolar as 'trauma' as discussed, can cause the onset of it?
I'm afraid the answers to the above questions I just don't know. Infact, I think they raise 'more questions' than actually answer questions.
All I know is I was diagnosed with bipolar in 2000/2001 and I have discussed a period from 1991-2012 which is 21 years. From when I was 19 to 39. Was I bipolar during this time, or even earlier?
I hope you have liked Blog9, and please leave your comments either at the end of the Blog, or via the following methods :
deanhollett@aol.com
beany01843@gmail.com
http://bipolarchatroom.weebly.com/
The website is a 'platform' for you to air your views/opinions/stories/experiences or anything bipolar related. You can either leave a message at the end of the first page (Home), or you can follow the instructions, and who knows, maybe you will have your own Blog/article on there. Please leave your feedback, it is valuable to me.
Take care my friends,
Deano x
26th March 2012.
The website is a 'platform' for you to air your views/opinions/stories/experiences or anything bipolar related. You can either leave a message at the end of the first page (Home), or you can follow the instructions, and who knows, maybe you will have your own Blog/article on there. Please leave your feedback, it is valuable to me.
Take care my friends,
Deano x
26th March 2012.
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